Dear Postpartum Self,
It’s going to be okay. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but things will get easier. You probably want to scream at me for saying that, but I just have to tell you that things will be okay. It really will get easier.
You probably are still in bed, wearing only your robe because why even put clothes on when it seems like Edmund wants to nurse every ten minutes? And we both know that nursing these days doesn’t look anything like it does in the movies. It’s messy. And it’s hard to keep him balanced. And it hurts. I’m so sorry that it hurts so much. I know the nurses at the hospital kept telling you that it shouldn’t hurt, but it does and it is totally and completely normal for it to hurt right now. It really is. But you know what? It will not hurt like this in the next month or so. I’m not going to lie to you and say that it will be picture perfect or anything, but it will be easier. And don’t roll your eyes at me when I say this, but you will actually grow to treasure nursing.
Looking in the mirror is probably one of the worst parts of your day. Your body is not the same as it was when you were pregnant and it definitely is not the same as it was before you were pregnant. I know you feel like you look like a complete disaster. You are breaking out in postpartum acne and you have a closet full of clothes that don’t fit. You got stretch marks despite applying that cocoa butter on your belly every. single. day. You don’t even feel like you smell the same way you did before. Ash, I know this is so hard for you. You probably won’t feel quite like yourself for a good while now. But you will start fitting back into most of your clothes again. The acne on your face will start to clear, but it might still be a bit of a rough road ahead. You will smell like yourself again…I’m not sure what that was all about anyways. But the good thing is you smell like yourself, okay? Anyways, you do look different. You do. But those things that mark your body with such unfamiliarity are a result of something so, so good. I’m not trying to tell you to “chin up” and just be happy with it all. I’m really not. I’m just reminding you that the last nine months your body carried the life of your little boy and when he looks up at you he just sees his Mama.
You may be on the verge of tears right now. Sad and happy tears seem to come and go at random. Sometimes you just aren’t ready for all these emotions to start spilling out, but they do. It’s okay. There’s so much happening right now. So much change all at once. Please don’t feel guilty for being sad that there isn’t as much time with just you and your husband. I know you wouldn’t change things. You are thankful for this precious gift you have been given. You love your son. Things are just different now and it is okay to grieve the time that was just you and Mike. It is okay to be sad that your attention is split in all sorts of directions and that you are tired. So, so tired. And that sometimes you just aren’t sure you are doing anything right at all. Listen; please listen to me when I tell you that you are doing just fine. And then there are those happy tears that seem to burst up unexpectedly as you look into the face of that sweet boy. He’s beautiful and he’s growing so fast. Keep taking the time to look at him. These moments of gratitude and awe are the moments that you should take your time with. The laundry and cleaning can wait. Seriously. You just had a baby. Let this be your excuse for why the apartment is a mess. You can use this excuse for a while by the way.
Ashley, these months after having a baby are wonderful, but they can also be really, really rough. They really can be, but please don’t be hard on yourself. You are doing a good job. Hear me when I say that, okay? Don’t just brush it off. You are doing a good job.
Now go watch the rest of season nine of The Office. You are going to go through the whole series one more time before Edmund is even one month old so get comfortable.
With Love,
Me
As He Comforts Us 